If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.Eckhart Tolle
As human beings, it’s in our DNA to want others around. We want to interact with others, bounce ideas off others, laugh with others, create bonds with others…
It’s in our genetic makeup to be a part of something. And that something always requires others.
Consider this: it doesn’t matter who you are, what your experiences have been, and what you’re passionate about. At the root of it all, is the pull to make a difference in others’ life – directly or indirectly.
It’s a no-brainer that we need relationships in our lives to increase well-being, life-satisfaction, and happiness levels. But at what point does the need for relationships become something that hinders our growth?
Think about your relationships; the ones at work, the ones at home, and the ones in hobbies.
Ask yourself: am I happier in one situation over another?
Does the context or the people I’m with change how I show up?
I ask you to consider those questions because it’s important to consider co-dependency. How much do you rely on others to “pick you up?”
Your happiness is your own – you are solely responsible how happy you are in your life, no matter what context.
In the field of Psychology,
there are different theories on relationships. The attachment theory states that you can either have avoidant, secure, or anxious attachments to others, depending on how you were raised as a young child.
An avoidant attachment style: you don’t care about your relationship with others. It’s difficult or you just prefer not to share feelings with others – it’s just easier that way.
An anxious attachment style: you constantly worry about pleasing others, you worry that you’ll never be good enough for your partner, and that s/he will leave you.
A secure attachment style: you have a healthy sense of self. Your self-esteem and self-worth isn’t dependent on anyone else. You have no problems sharing feelings, and know that if a relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll bounce back.
Only a secure attachment style of relating to others has been shown to create and nurture positive relationships and self-esteem, sense of worth, and personal agency.
Which one describes you most? See which one fits best (for now, if you’d like to change it); see what you can do to move from where you are now, to where you’d like to be.
Mostly avoidant-attachment: choose vulnerability exercises. Let go of what people think. Practice self-compassion and let go of trying to be perfect. Do something outrageous. Choose to be creative and compare yourself only to previous versions of yourself.
Mostly anxious-attachment: choose self-love exercises. List things that you love about yourself. Do one thing that only your 10-year old version would’ve done. Create a self-affirmation tape and listen to it on a daily basis. Hug the inner child within. Forgive yourself before you forgive others.
It’s time to take back your power.
The moment you rely on others to determine your happiness,
you’ve relinquished the power that belongs to you, and only you.
Take back your personal responsibility of
being in charge of you – how you feel, and how you show up.
Live with intention. Lead with inspiration.